Maybe I’m Just Not Kinky

My boyfriend and I had a good relationship. We’ve been together  for three years, and I thought everything was fine between us. We both work, but have fairly decent jobs. We bought a house together. We go to the movies often, have dinner out at least once a month, and sometimes we don’t do anything at all in the evenings – don’t turn on the TV or computer or crack open a book – just so we can talk to each other.

But last night he told me that he wanted to spice things up in the bedroom. He told me that he’d been thinking this for a long time, and was afraid that by not saying anything, he wasn’t being honest with me. But the things he said! I just don’t know if I can do any of that! What if I try it, and I don’t like it – but he does! What if this really changes things between us? I don’t want to lose him, but if I don’t try these things, I fear that maybe I already have.

What should I do?

Scared of Kink

Dear Scared of Kink,

Congratulations! Your boyfriend opened up and spoke about his deep feelings with you! And after only three years, too! Now you need to return the favor. Tell him exactly how you feel! Tell him that you are afraid. Tell him you love him too much, and you don’t want to lose him. Let him know that you aren’t sure if you can do this – but you love him enough to try.

Then, together, develop a safe word. In any kink play, there should always be a word that means “STOP IMMEDIATELY”. Don’t use this word unless you really mean it. If he’s doing something, and you not only aren’t enjoying it, but you hate it, and you need him to quit now, you call out the safe word. Then you both walk away for a period of cooling off, then you come back together and talk. You tell him what made you call out the safe word. You tell him what you enjoyed, what you didn’t enjoy, and what you’d be willing to try again.

Having the safeword can help reduce a lot of fears as you wade into the shallower waters of a kinkier relationship.

Maybe you both could pick out a kinky book and read it aloud together? Talk about what the couple did, and how they reacted. About how you might react in a similar situation. Maybe you’d like to act out one of the scenes in the book?

If you need some good titles, let me know what kink he wants you to try first. I should be able to find a good book for you.

Courage

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