He compared me to past girlfriends!

Dear Courage,

Last week my dh and I got into a terrible fight. Then he got mean, and started comparing me to former girlfriends, saying things like they gave much better bjs, and that sort of thing. It was really hurtful, and even though he’s apologized, I just can’t get over it. I don’t want this one fight to drive an irreparable wedge between us, but I’m afraid it already has. What can I do?


Dear Offended,

It really was unkind of him to do that. Past relationships should never be discussed. Period. However, you need to move beyond this, or it can destroy your marriage. Forgiveness is never easy. Here are two things you need to do.

First: Tell him he is forgiven. Even if you don’t feel forgiving yet, you want to forgive him, right? The problem you have is that you are feeling hurt, but not that you can’t forgive him? In a marriage, forgiveness should be immediate. He has apologized, you love him, so tell him you forgive him. Then, you make a conscious effort to stop focussing on the hurt that you feel.

Our feelings are fleeting things. They are real, don’t ever pretend they don’t exist, but do not let them control you. You can control them. Remember a time when you were really happy with your husband. Maybe it’s your wedding day, or an anniversary, or a favorite vacation, or just a special memory. Now, every time you start to feel hurt or miffed with him, stop. Stop yourself, and bring that happy memory up and think on that.

This takes time. But with practice it gets easier and easier, and soon, you really won’t be upset by this rough patch any more.

Next, you need to work on the right way to communicate with him. Don’t do it in the bedroom. Don’t do it where you can be interrupted by kids, the TV, the neighbors, etc. Maybe find a quiet little restaurant, where if you talk quietly, the table closest to you can’t overhear. During dinner and before dessert, tell him several great things. Tell him how handsome he looks. Tell him how happy you are with him. Tell him three good things you love about him. Then, in as positive a way as possible, tell him something you wish he’d do or try or change. Don’t make it sound like criticism. Instead, try to make it encouraging. For example, maybe you are not as moist now as you were years ago, and intercourse is sometimes painful. It happens. Instead of saying something like, “you always go too hard, too fast, and I can’t enjoy it,” you might say something like, “I just love the way you touch me. I would love it even more if you’d add some lube, and fondle me a bit longer before I feel your massive cock slide inside me.” No guy is going to find offense at that!

Then, you also need to be open to his comments. He might not know how to communicate in a nice way. Guys aren’t great at communication. If he says anything at all, instead of taking offense at how he says it, be thrilled that he said anything at all. Then try to find a way to use what he says to strengthen your relationship.

If he really focuses on the bj, then maybe the two of you should rent an adult movie and watch a film star giving her partner several bjs. Talk about it during the movie. Keep the conversation light and maybe even humorous. “Well of course she can swallow all of him down the back of her throat – she has a mouth as big as the whole Grand Canyon!”

Learning to talk about sex with your sex partner can be a great way to strengthen your relationship and improve your satisfaction.


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