I’m angry, and then I feel guilty about it, but my guy doesn’t satisfy me at all anymore. We’ve been together for four years. We’ve been through a lot together – my family doesn’t like him. We’ve had to move several times, he lost his job – he’s working now, though. We even lost a baby six months ago. But we’re still together. I’d like to think that our relationship is meant to be, that we got what it takes to make it last… except in the bedroom. We don’t have it often, but when we do, he climaxes within minutes and then he’s ready to sleep. He doesn’t help me to climax, nor does he seem to care. When I try to talk to him about it, he gets angry. What should I do? I wish I could just learn to accept things the way they are, but darn it all – I have needs!
Frustrated and Guilty.
You do have needs, and you shouldn’t have to just accept the status quo. However, it sounds to me like your partner could be grieving and may need counseling to help him move on.
Most men do not understand their emotions, and they react to whatever they don’t understand with anger. So if a man is scared, he gets angry. If he is sad, he acts angry. If he is hurt, he acts angry. Get the picture? Just because your man gets angry with you does not mean that he is really angry. It just means that he has some emotion that he doesn’t understand and can’t deal with. It is your job to help him discover what it is he’s feeling and then help him to deal with it.
Was he happy when you told him you were expecting? Or was the baby an unplanned pregnancy? Either way, he would experience grief when the baby didn’t make it. You did, too – how are you holding out? Have you given yourself time to grieve? You might get him to go to counseling if you tell him that you need to go and need his support.
I bet that once he’s talked about whatever it is that’s bothering him, you’ll find that things in the bedroom are much, much better.
Other things you can try would be: watch an erotic movie together. Go away for a romantic weekend. Be more affectionate throughout the day where things do not end up with heavy sex, just get him primed for it. And lastly, find a sex therapist if nothing else works.