Inexperienced, Looking for Help

Dear Courage,

My Dh and I have been married for three years, and we have two little ones – so we know how to do it. But just the basics. We were both raised in a less-open environment. We are rather naive and inexperienced by today’s standards, not that I’m complaining, because I’m not! But I’d like to try something new. Not because I feel like we have to spice things up, but just to show him how much he means to me.

My problem is that I’m too embarrassed to go to an adult store, and there isn’t one in my area anyway. I don’t know what I want. I don’t even know what I’m asking. Can you help?


Dear Inexperienced,

Sounds like you are on the right road. You have a good relationship with your partner, and are comfortable enough that you want to experiment a bit, but not frustrated. Fantastic!

Communication is really important, though. For the naive and embarrassed, this can be challenging. If you can’t actually say words like “pussy” or “sex” then you and your Dh can rename them with cute little words that you are more comfortable saying. For instance, my husband and I call sex “chicken salad.” It’s just a cute little private thing we do, not because we are sexually inhibited, but so we can talk about it in front of the kids. I’ll send him little emails at work, like, “Gee, darling, I’m really in the mood for some chicken salad tonight.” He gets the message, but isn’t going to get fired! Naming these things can be a fun activity. There are tons of nicknames for a man’s penis: Dick, Peter, weenie, dingdong, and more. You can use one of those, but it’s much more interesting to come up with your own. (Have you ever watched the chick-flick, How to Loose a Man in 10 Days? She names his penis something really silly, although I don’t remember what.)

Next, find a way to learn that you are more comfortable with. For some people, buying a video works. It is hard to find good videos, because many of them are created for entertainment only, and can be quite offensive to someone who is more naive. However, the sex videos made by Candida Royale have earned awards and are even used in some schools’ sex education programs. They are still considered “women’s porn” though, so you may find them a bit too much – especially at first.

Some people are more comfortable with books, and there is nothing better than “The Joy of Sex” by Alex Comfort. It was originally written in 1970, but recently updated for the 21st century. It is your encyclopedia of sex, complete with pictures and diagrams. Any question you could come up with is probably answered within the covers of this tastefully done classic.

Another little “classic” that I keep on my bookshelf is “Tickle His Pickle” by Sadie Allison. This was just adorable – with cute little cartoons, and it made me laugh! Unfortunately, I just discovered that this book is out of print. It’s still available second-hand – but I hope the author will upload it to Kindle and make it available to another generation of readers.

You can explore adult stores online in the privacy of your home. When these stores mail packages to you, the items are always well-concealed. They are wrapped in brown cardboard, and the company name is not advertised on the box, so your neighbors and children won’t know what you’ve bought.

Congratulations on wanting to spread your wings! I trust you and your Dh will have years of satisfying encounters ahead.


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