They Aren’t Curtains!

Dear Courage,

When my partner goes down on me, he pulls my labia apart like their friggin’ drapes! It hurts! I’ve told him to be gentle, but he just doesn’t get it. Why does he do that and how can I get him to stop? I don’t even want him pleasuring me that way any more.

Bruised in the Bedroom

Dear Bruised,

I’m so sorry for your discomfort! You and your partner are experiencing a very common issue in any relationship – a lack of communication. You’ve tried telling him, but he somehow isn’t listening. He’s giving you something he thinks you enjoy, but you aren’t able to enjoy it. That is a communication problem.

First off, my guess is that he’s holding them open to have better access to your clit. As you become aroused, the tissues there thicken and swell, making your clit more accessible. It’s possible that he’s getting there too early. Maybe if he spent more time in foreplay, you’d be ready for him.

It’s also possible he’s just trying to get any hair out of the way. Do you shave there? It can be a bit tricky, but it’s worth the effort. If you can’t quite reach it (we all come in different shapes and sizes) then this might be an activity your partner would be willing to do for you periodically.

The next time this situation arises, try holding him back. Try suggesting that you aren’t quite ready for that yet, but want more petting and snuggling first. You could flip him on his back, hold him down, and keep him there until you’re ready.

Another option would be to offer to hold yourself open for him. You could “open the drapes” in a way that wasn’t painful.

I hope this helps you to open a dialog with him that will be mutually beneficial, helping to build greater intimacy.


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